Never Got to Say Goodbye

Daddies weren’t supposed to cry. They were the ones who killed the spiders in their daughters’ rooms. They went hunting on the weekend with their brother in laws, and comforted their daughters when they realize Bambi was killed. Daddies fixed the car on weekends and always had grease under their fingernails. They pull splinters out of fingers and offered the Band-Aids and hugs when they fell off their bikes. That’s what daddies do or so Sam thought, until she saw her dad cry for the first time when she was only six years old.

Sam woke up with a start in her little twin sized bed.  The phone her parents had in their bedroom had woken her up and now she couldn’t get back to sleep. Her parched throat ached and she needed a glass of water.  Pushing back her blue blanket, she swung her legs over the edge of her bed. Reaching up, she rubbed her eyes to help her focus on the shadows around her room. The nightlight across the room cast a light blue glow on the Care Bear’s poster which hung over her dresser. Sam snuck quietly to the door of her bedroom and slowly opened the door. Looking to the left and to the right she tried to figure out where her parents were. Hoping they weren’t awake so she wouldn’t get in trouble for being up so late, she snuck quietly down the hall. From the top of the stairs, Sam looked down and saw a soft glow in the living room. Dark shadows played on the wall as Sam listened to the soft whispers of her parents.

Looking over the edge of the railing, Sam saw her mom and dad sitting on the overstuffed cream sofa. Forgetting the water, Sam’s thoughts were quickly replaced by questions.  She couldn’t help but wonder why her daddy was crying. Her mom Elizabeth was crying too, but that didn’t surprise Sam. Her mom cried almost every time she watched General Hospital. She was always spouting off about how the show just wasn’t the same without Luke and Laura. 

            Sam looked on in disbelief as she watched her dad holding his head in his hands. His shoulders shook and his voice came out in ragged breaths. Sam could only watch as her mother gently rubbed his back as she paused to wipe her own eyes. Sam got more and more confused with each shredded tissue she watched her mother toss into a littered mess beside the sofa.

            “How are we going to tell the children?” Elizabeth said. Sam watched her dad sit up and look to the ceiling.

            “Let’s wait till morning. No need to wake them,” he responded.

            Sam had no idea what was happening, but she knew she wouldn’t know more until the morning. She quietly crept back to her bedroom.

 

Answers didn’t come for a couple of days when her mom made her put on the ugly black dress; it had lace at the collar that made her neck itch.  Even worse were the white stockings and the black dress shoes from last year that pinched her little toe.  Sam contemplated the events of the day and questions swam in her brain as she kicked the legs of the kitchen stool and waited for her parents to finish getting ready

Sam couldn’t help but chuckle when she saw her older brother Charlie lumber into the kitchen with his church suit. He looked ridiculous with his hair slicked back and a tight tie choking his thick neck. This was not the picture of the brother she remembered at all.  Usually he was sitting on the couch watching Hey Arnold on the TV. Her brother wouldn’t be caught dead in a suit and tie. Charlie had just started high school in the fall and he thought he was a bit too cool for his younger sister. He had a whole new set of friends and Sam hated them all.  They all called her squirt or munchkin. That really stung, but when Charlie started to do it, she couldn’t stand it.  Acquiring new friends wasn’t the only thing that was changing about Charlie. He had dyed his hair blonde and started to wear this gooey hair gel, or the cargo pants he insisted were hip. He called it trendy, but she called it stupid.  In addition to his clothing, Charlie was making unique music choices.  Matchbox Twenty or the Barenaked Ladies could easily be found in his c.d. player. He was starting the angry teenager phase, which nobody in the family enjoyed.

 Sam’s thoughts quickly vanished as her parents entered the kitchen.  It was time to leave.  Everyone filed out to the garage and sandwiched themselves into the compact family car.  Sam sat quietly in the backseat on the drive to the funeral home. She didn’t want to see her grandma; she knew she was only sleeping. The funeral home was located on the outskirts of Rochester. Sam saw all the cars in the parking lot and hoped they weren’t all there for her grandma. She didn’t want all those people to see her get in trouble.  Sam knew everyone, including herself would get a stern talking to.  Grandma would have plenty to say about this crazy situation.

Sam felt isolated in a room full of people.  People who Sam had never met continued to introduce themselves and hug her without warning. Each one insisted on telling her everything was going to be all right.  By the time the twelfth person approached, Sam was finished with these strange people. She couldn’t take it any more so she wandered off to find her brother.

Sam walked out the door and into the hallway, away from all of the people and the chaos. She could swear her brother had come out this way, but she couldn’t see him. She went up and down the hallway, peering into all of the rooms. She turned around and walked toward the doors her family entered when they first arrived. Sam opened the big glass doors and stuck her head out, turning to the left and right, hoping to catch sight of a sign of her brother. When she was almost ready to give up, she saw his black sneakers poking out from underneath the stairs which lead up to the glass door that went inside. Sneaking quietly down the stairs, she poked her head around the railing, and was surprised by what she saw. Her brother was crying. Didn’t Charlie know, brothers weren’t supposed to cry, either? Sam slowly walked over, watching him wipe the tears which were running down face.

“Sam what are you doing out here,” Charlie said.

“Why are you crying?” Sam walked over to her brother and sat in his lap. She hadn’t done that since he started school in September.  At that time, he had told Sam she was a big girl and didn’t need her brother anymore, but today she didn’t feel that way.  She needed him and it looked like he might need her as well.

“Sammy, what are you doing out here?” Charlie said again.

“I don’t like those people in there, they keep hugging me.” Sam answered.

“Yeah, that’s why I came out here too.”, and he wrapped his arms around Sam, holding her tightly.

“Charlie, do you think grandma is still mad at me?” with that Charlie pulled back from Sam and just looked at her.

“Why would grandma be mad at you Sam?” said Charlie.

“Remember when we saw her and I didn’t give her a hug?” Sam said. “I think I hurt her feelings.  Will you come with me so I can go do it now?” Sam stood up and held out her hand so her brother could come with her. Charlie didn’t put his hand in hers, he just stared at her.

“Grandma won’t know your hugging her, she’s dead.” Charlie said as he stood up and walked away, brushing the dirt from the back of his pants.

 

Sam didn’t care what Charlie thought; she knew where her grandma was. She was in the white box surrounded by flowers. A beautiful wreath of white lilies; those were her grandma’s favorite.   She remembered because she could tell by the smell. Her grandma’s skin always smelled of lilies. As Sam thought about this and other memories, she slowly approached the large white box.  It captured her entire vision.  Sam was mesmerized by the opening of the box; it was where her grandma was; sleeping. Sam knew that her grandma would give her the tongue lashing she deserved for being so rude on Wednesday when she went to visit.  

Sam heard the faint echo of voices whispering all around her.  People kept looking her way. They knew. All of them, they knew what Sam had done. Sam just sat on the wooden chair across the room from the box; seeing those people watching her. Glancing up, she watched her mom cautiously make her way across the room. Elizabeth crouched down in front of Sam and reached out to grab her hand.

“Sam do you want to go see grandma?” said Elizabeth. Sam looked at her mom’s red rimmed eyes and the tattered Kleenex’s in her hand. The time had come. Sam stood up, still holding her mother’s hand and got off the chair.

Sam could feel a host of eyes following her across the room. Out of the corner of her vision, Sam saw her dad talking to Charlie. The brief walk to the white box took only moments, but it felt like an eternity.  Eventually Sam was standing in front of her grandma.  The smell of lilies surrounded Sam; it was almost overwhelming. Sam let go of her mom’s hand, but she couldn’t focus on the box or her grandma.

“Sam do you want me to lift you?” her dad whispered in her ear as he stood behind her, Sam just nodded. She needed to do this, so she let her dad lift her into his arms and careful lean her toward the coffin.

Sam couldn’t believe what she was seeing.  Her grandma was so pale and her eyes were closed.  Her face had no expression; it was like she wasn’t there anymore.  Sam couldn’t explain it, but something was missing. Sam reached out her hand to touch, but stopped before she did. She turned her head to look back at her dad.

“It’s ok Sam,” as he nodded with the reassurance.

Sam touched her grandma’s eyelids and then moved her hand down the familiar wrinkled cheek. She was cold to touch and Sam didn’t know what to do.  

“Daddy will grandma wake soon?” said Sam.

“No Sam, she’s sleeping now. Forever,” he said.

Sam twisted in her father’s arms. Looking into his eyes.

“No! Daddy she has to wake up. I didn’t tell her. Daddy, I didn’t tell her.”

Through her tears Sam saw Charlie walk away, and her mom quickly followed him.

“Sam, I thought you understood,” her dad replied in a barely audible voice. 

 “Understand? Daddy, I don’t understand anything except that I have to tell her, she has to know.”

Sam collapsed in her dad’s arms and then pulled away quickly.  She frantically turned back to the coffin and reached down to wrap her arms around her grandma’s neck. “I’m so sorry grandma. I never meant to lie. I love you,” said Sam. With tears streaming down her cheeks, Sam started to stroke her grandmother’s face. “You can wake up now. Please grandma, you have to.”

Sam felt her dad pulling her away. Sam couldn’t leave. She needed her grandma to understand. “Daddy no! I have to tell her. I need to give her another hug. She needs to know.” Sam felt the ground under her feet give way. Her emotions tossed about inside her like a ship at sea. With one final effort, her dad twisted her around to face him. He gripped her chin and made her look directly in his eyes.

“Grandma knew you loved her, Sam,” he said. 

Sam just stood there, unbelieving.  It wasn’t possible; her dad wasn’t making any sense. How could grandma know or forgive her?  Sam didn’t explain things when she saw her for the last time. Sam’s mind raced and her awful behavior played itself over and over in her memory.  Grandma had asked her for a hug, but Sam wouldn’t give it to her. Sam told her that she looked gross with her wrinkled skin; she didn’t wanted to touch her. Sam’s grandma hadn’t flinched; she looked straight at Sam, with a sorrowful expression and simply responded, “I love you, Sam”. Sam shuddered to think that her only response was to turn on her grandma and quickly walk out the door without replying. Sam had assumed there would be a next time. She thought there would always be a next time to tell her grandma how she really felt, but now she would never get that chance. Sam didn’t understand what cancer was, but Sam believed she knew what really killed her grandma.  It wasn’t the disease everyone mentioned, it was a broken heart.

“Daddy I killed her, it’s my fault,” said Sam. As she confessed her fears, she noticed everyone’s shocked expressions. They all knew her secret now. They knew she was the one that killed her grandma.

…

 

The cemetery was located on the edge of the small town. There weren’t even hundred people living in the little southern Minnesotan town of Oronoco, but it was home to Sam and her family. It was home to farmers and their fields and to families who just didn’t want to live in Rochester, which was the nearest big town. There wasn’t a school or even a police station; no Wal-Mart or movie theater.  There wasn’t even a clothing store.  The fire hall and post office were the only buildings downtown that didn’t have people living in them. Rochester had over a hundred thousand people living within its boundaries and was only fifteen minutes away. This little town of Oronoco didn’t see the point of building a grocery store or clothing store when most of them had to go to the big city for work and school anyway.

Sam drove her red Neon through the steel gates and slowly made her way down the paved road. Jordan Sparks’ new hit single blared through the speakers, and Sam knew every word.  Sam gently pressed down on the brake, half way down the road. She turned off the car and was greeted by the stillness of the empty cemetery. When Sam got of the car, she grabbed her jean jacket from the front seat and wrapped it around her shoulders in an effort to protect her arms from the March breeze and its icy bite. Sam walked around the Neon, as her feet sunk into the soggy ground and made her way across the brown tinted grass.

The headstone was in the same place as it had been on that memorable day ten years ago. It was the third stone on the right side, closest to the paved road. It lay between the Miller couple, who both passed in 1994, and the grave of the three brothers in the Karner family.  Sam chuckled when she read the Karner headstone. Chiseled in the gray granite was a simple epitaph which read, “Frank’s dead. Out of respect,” Sam greeted both stones and proceeded to sit down She gently traced the letters craved in the stone and smiled. It was exactly ten years today, but the memories were still vivid in her mind. Bundles of colorful flowers lay across the front of the shiny granite headstone. Sam knew her family had come by earlier in the afternoon, but Sam had chosen to wait.  She wanted to be by herself. She needed time to reflect.  Fortunately, she had come to understand the significance of that day and the influence it had on her life.  She had grown up in ten years and now she understood what her young mind was unable to comprehend. Sam knew it wasn’t her fault that her grandma had died. The lung cancer, was what had taken her grandma’s energy and life, and that was responsible for her passing.  Knowing this helped, but even so, Sam always felt a bit of guilt and grief.  However it wasn’t the anniversary of her death that brought Sam out here by herself. It was the passing of another grandma. Not Sam’s, but rather her best friend’s. Sam didn’t know how to comfort her friend; she didn’t know what to say or how to act. Sam had been sitting on the futon in their dorm room when Linda had gotten the phone call. The tears started, and questioning started next. The ‘why her,” and “it’s not fair”, and “I’m not ready” followed, Sam didn’t have an answer for any of Linda’s questions. All Sam had was the shoulder to cry on, and the ear to listen.

Sam would see Linda for the first time all weekend in a few hours. Not knowing how she was feeling, or how she would be acting. Sam was prepared for the worst, but hoping for the best. Sam looked back at the headstone before her.

“I love you grandma.” Sam stood up and walked across the brown tinted grass to her red Neon. She turned the key and put the car into drive. She drove out of town with the music blaring and her thoughts on life, relationships, and love.